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GRANDMA NIVAN’S (yes she’s back) “GOOD” ADVICE BAY - go and ask questions kiddos! Get ready to get burnt!;P (TRIGGER WARNING for various content)

on Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:55 pm
Always listen to your grandma kids.

Liquidise your assets, invest in lottery tickets.
Kissing ice cubes makes your lips ripe for kissing.
Water causes rust, you don't want that inside you.
The police love prank calls.
Once you are drunk, there are no worse repercussions to drinking, so you might as well keep going.
Protective clothing will ruin your image. Same with bike helmets.
Shooting yourself with small bullets will help you build up a resistance.
Dead bodies usually have wallets. Don't be afraid to check.
Anything's a dildo if you’re brave enough.
Grandma never lies.
Medication is a handicap, useful only to weaklings.
Who ever said you needed to breathe? The government! don't buy into their propaganda.

Write your questions here, if you need any advice. (Try to keep your questions short, and clean. Subjective questions are dumb, and may be removed).

Here's an example.
Q. When is it the right age to have a child?
A. The earlier you do it, the more you can have. Start your army construction today.

Q. I’ve had trouble with liquor picks lately. Whiskey, Tequila or just do shots until I fucking die?
A. My father used to do shots of the liquid from the magic 8 balls. It helped him tell the future. One time he said “I'm going to die” and then he did.

Q. I Feel Like I try to hard to get with people in the rp Should I keep it up or stop it because I don’t what them to think i’m a freak.?
A. Keep doing it until they shut the rp down. If you're not breaking laws, you aren't trying hard enough.

Q. I feel the weight of responsibility. My whole family looks up to me. And I have my beautiful wife and bunch of lovers to sexually satisfy in bed. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I feel like I need to let off steam. What do you recommend grandma?
A. Have a bbq. Invite your wife, and all of your mistresses. Im sure they will get along swimmingly.

Q. What’s your opinion on ramirez?
A. This is advice, not feelings. Feelings are for the weak. (don't follow him into an empty room).

Q. I got a lot of dogs that come up and what to play with me when I’m trying to type got any advice on how to get rid of them so then I can type freely?
A. Dogs will work if you pay them. hire one of the dogs to type your responses, so you can devote all of your time to your other puppers. Make sure to alternate doggos, however, one doggo typing too long, could accidently make him desire more, and you'll end up having to pay for his college.

Q. Is it better to give a girl a bush or flowers?
A. It's better to give a girl a delicious snack. If you fatten them up then they can't leave you.

Q. How Fat do you recommend?
A. Continuation questions aren't allowed. (until she stops asking if she's fat in this dress/these trousers. That is how you know she's given up).

Q. What’s the best way to shave/trim/get rid of hair from my lower body? (vetoed by granny).
A. Acid baths keep me looking fresh, young and hairless.

Q. How do I keep a granny on a leash?
A. Granny is all powerful. Try putting one on her, but you might need an ambulance.

Q. If you like someone is it best to hold your feelings because you don’t want the other to know or shout it out in their face?
A. If you have a crush on someone, write it on their wall in blood. Once they read it the pact is sealed, and they have no choice but to marry you.

Q. What do you do if you have been Lied to?
A. After the lie has happened, make sure it is eventually true, no matter what extent you have to go to. If someone lies about a funeral for example, to get out of work, then make a funeral happen.

Q. I’m hungry you got any advice on what I should have to eat?
A. Food, idiot.

Q. I feel like I talk to myself too much is this a bad or good thing?
A. How can you be talking to yourself if you're never alone? More like talking to the government.

Q. I feel like I’m spending more time on this chat then going outside and interacting with people and seeing the world outside do you have any advice on how to balance both?
A. Going outside is overrated.

Q. What would you recommend for beards my one is getting too long?
A. The longer the beard the more wise you become. It also increases your aptitude for offensive spells, so let it grow.

Q. I feel like i don’t keep up with trends that other people know what’s your advice?
A. Trends? More like devil work. Purge that evil, and spin your holy fidget spinner to cleanse yourself.

Q. What is the meaning of life?
A. Memes.

Q. How should I prepare for the apocalypse?
A. Stockpile ducktape. Duct Tape does anything/everything.

Q. Mama, where do I hide the body?
A. The real question is where do you hide the booty? The answer? Sweaters.

Q. Should I focus more on the house and children or on my job where I literally “save the world” at times? (PS. They call me Superman. Oh no- wait- was this supposed to be anonymous..?)
A. Fuck off Klark. Go back to newspapers or whatever the fuck you do.

Q. there’s this guy after my ass and i'm too scared to refuse him.. He’s even been asking for nudes what do i do? Ps i'm a lesbian.
A. Break into his house, take a photo of him sleeping from an uncomfortably high up place, and then send it to him in the morning.

Q. I feel like I’m being followed by many things in which I can’t see or hear any advice on what I should do?
A. The ghosts and demons follow you because they want to be you. Work it.

Q. If you are told you can run but you can’t hide, is the correct response to run towards the speaker with a knife?
A. Why would you take the speaker's advice? Try hiding.

Q. How far is too far?
A. I can't hear you, i'm already too far away from caring.

Q. What should I do when my neighbor's dog keeps on taking a dump in my garden?
A. Take a dump on your neighbor.

Q. I think I drink too much should I continue to drink or should I stop?
A. See advice number 5.

Q. How to properly flirt with a soldier you've just met in the middle of Brazil?
A. Random =/= funny.

Q. What can I do to prevent my cat from scaring my dogs?
A. Put your dogs through a man-ness instructional course to help them grow a pair.

Q. What do you think you should do if you know someone hates you but you you love them with all your heart and soul?
A. Sacrifice them to our lord and saviour cthulhu.

Q. My old dog wouldn’t bite a fly since he’s very much harmless. What do?
A. Harmless old dog = good. Love it forever.

Q.I think the US army should switch from 5.56 to 6.8 Grendel or the 6 SPC, but there’s a lot of talk about missing the point with both 6mm cartridges. Am I just paranoid or does the US just want to pocket money by NOT changing from 5.56?
A. You obviously have no control over this decision. I'm here for life advice, not bulletology.

Q. I don't really like chocolate ice cream. You think this is a genetic defect?
A. I don’t like chocolate either. You calling me a defect?

Q. All i have is this chat but it makes me feel so desperate. I’m so fake and i don't know if i should keep pretending or be myself.
A. Get laid, loser.

Q. How do you fix a sunburn?
A. The sun is burning you? Are you gonna take that? Go beat up the sun! HE'S TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU! FUCK THE SUN UP FAM!

Q. How do you hug the whole world?
A. Step one: Lay down on front. Step two: extend arms outwards.

Q. Am I lame?
A. Yes.

Q. Should I start riding MX professionally? I didn’t have any accident including casualties yet. This month I mean.
A. No. When riding Max becomes professional its porn.

Q. I think I am addicted to asking my community questions. What should I do community member?
A. Community community community community. I don't think you put community in your question enough.

Q. We’re going to watch a movie. The community. Over YT stream or something. What movie we should pick to watch first? We might have kids and old people joining us. Must be something suitable for everybody and family friendly. But also have guns and sex or Ramirez will fall asleep during watching. And a lot of violence - or Violet will doze off instead.
A. Don't do it over yt streaming, do it on I don't usually give actual advice but the stream service is pretty dope, and you can watch just about anything. On top of that, spiderman homecoming looks pretty cool, so watch that.

Q. Is it wrong to Love Something or someone too much?
A. As long as it isn't penis.

Q. Granny, what should I do to be as cool as you?
A. I am not cool.

Q. Oh then… what can I do to be as hot as you. (Haha).
A. Getting in the oven makes you hotter.

Q. If someone has spent hours on end making something just for you and you don’t like it what should you tell them I don’t wanna hurt anyone feelings?
A. Take your trash can to them, and say “i love this gift you made me” and then hug the trash can. Then when they ask why you are hugging the trash can you say “because your gift is garbage.”

Q. What’s your favorite type of frog?
A. That guy who roleplays as a vain frog on shamchat.

Q. A family of howler monkeys moved in next door. I can’t get any sleep at night, but I’m too afraid to confront them about it. What should I do?
A. Get a lover and make them the ones who can't sleep.

Q. When using respirators at work, I noticed a note on the packaging advising that all users be clean shaven for best effect. As a female, should I shave my face anyway, or am I not at risk?
A. I would need a reference, but generally that would mean below the belt for a woman.

Q. I drive a lot lately. What are best ways to keep myself from falling asleep during drive (other than energy drinks or coffee)?
A. Listen to some hi-fee music. Like brainpower.

Q. And what do I do to not shoot at the fuckers that act like assholes on the road?
A. Save bullets and time by running them over. Two birds one stone.

Q. Should I feel bad about leaving this roleplay?
A. Don't feel bad about anything. You are a person with emotions, and you should never apologize for that.

Q. Who would you rp in the new High School/Gangs/Zombie AU?
A. Probably a brick, or something.

Q. How do I overpower those that rule me?
A. Killem with kindness. If you fight with assholes, 50% of people are on your side, and 50% of people are on their side, but if you are nice, while the other person is a dick, 100% of people will eventually side with you.

Q. How do I become better at art?
A. Practice and psychedelic drugs.

Q. How do I become better at BDSM as a submissive?
A. Cry more. I love me a cryin’ bitch.

Q. how do I cure crippling depression?
A. I have Osteoporosis.

Q. How do I become as talented as you?
A. You can’t, give up.

Q. What do you do if some is far superior than you?
A. Paypal them all of your money.

Q. What do I do if I see someone staring at me all the time?
A. Stare back and lick your lips.

Q. What do you think of what your kids have become?
A. I am as disappointed in them as i am in myself.

Q. What do you think of when you have fear?
A. Fear is for the weak.

Q. What should you do if your not good and using slang but need to prove your cool.
A. Uhh, what are you saying? IM COOL, DAWG, DONT BE GETTING ON MY C-IS-ASE!

Q. What do you do if you feel like you're being ignored?

Q. Can you answer your own questions?
A. Only granny answers the questions.

Q. Is there such a thing as stupid questions?
A. This is an example of a stupid question.

Q. I feel like I worry too much about stuff what should I do?
A. Worrying makes the world work.

Q. Why?

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